Dead Girl Walking

Christmas always does the opposite of what it's supposed to. I could cry, but my tear ducts quit. I am so emotionless. My parents have stopped speaking since an argument on Christmas morning. I sleep through every day. I awoke today at 5 pm. My Father was gone. My mother was in hiding in her "studio." My mom even mentioned something to my sister about getting her own apartment. I don't know whether to laugh or be sad. I don't feel anything anymore. I have Nobody, but I continue watching everyone around me live. I am so lost in this movie that is Life. I'm not living my own, just watching others. Watching all these human emotions has been tiring, and just drains me to nothing. I've been broken for a long time. I hear a car door. Maybe this is my father returning? I'm scared to see the expression on his face. No. I am wrong. It's my mother. I don't know where she went, but she's back, attempting to hide her emotions. I am living my life on "Caring is Creepy" by the Shins on repeat. It's my anthem now. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I see this empty human with dark circles around her eyes and scars everywhere. The door sounds again. My father is home. He walks in his room without a word besides yelling "no" at the dogs and their incessant barking. I watch these people on TV. These are people that other people follow, and need, and love. These people have money and fame and fans and relationships. I wonder what it's like, all the time, i hope for a piece of it, all the time. Innocent people on death row die all the time, when murderers roam free. Fairness isn't reality. I'm forgetting what I love about living, and people, and the world around me. I need relief, I need work, I need help. I need to make a name for myself while I'm still young. It's hard to know that not many people will care when you die. Not enough lives will change, and I need to know they will. I sound like a squawking lunitic. I am. I want to do something that will change the minds of others, and feast off of it for years.

The Apartment?

We're Driving to the Place, It seems more like a race, to consume all of the alcohol, did my butt just make a phone call? My morals went down the drain as soon as the Apartment's image entered my brain. We're breaking so many laws right now, When I wake up in the morning I won't remember how. Boy this is cliche', in the next room's where they lay , on a twin sized bed, chivalry is dead. Peer pressure can really clutch, pass me another beer so I won't feel it as much. I met a few new "friends", we keep in touch until the party ends. In my head i'm a little girl, but my eyes see a world, that a child can't understand, this is not going as planned. Woke up with a headache after last night, I can't tell them, because i don't want to fight. There are empty spaces in my head where my braincells used to live, but now they're dead, Down My throat, then in my blood through my nose and in my lungs. This foil covered crack house, the stains that cover this blouse, shut the fuck up, quiet as a mouse.

fudge

My medicine keeps me happy, gives me false hopes, and makes me feel worth something. When I forget to take it I feel insane. I am pissed off at the world and crying for no solid reason. But, when I don't have pills to fade reasons, I have a million. Everyone around me fucks like bunnies. They live adult lives. I'm still a child. I think I was born with a mild case of downssyndrome. Can I just do something with my life to make myself and family proud. I H8 this, breaking the keyboard. fudggggeeeeeeeeeeeeee, its the holidays, why to i feel like a lone shit in the backyard?

I can't fight this feeling anymore

Today, I went to Colonial Bowling Lanes, for service hours. The disabled peeps hang there. I met some fabulous people whom I LOVE! This man, Jesse, was an amazing bowler and reminded me so much of sean penn in i am sam. He gave me a high five as soon as I walked in the door. Upon arrival, a man came up to me and showed me his mini cop car model, amazed that the doors opened. I hate the fact that I didn't learn many of there names, but they couldn't pronounce mine anyway. I hung out with this man half the time who informed me that his 50 year old birthday was coming soon. He looked as any other man, he smiled all the time, and had a bit of tourettes, he really knew how to keep the conversation flowing though. The rest of the time I spent with another man who was watching an action movie on his game boy. He was quick to show me all of his gadgets in cases attatched to his hips. He had a camera in one, another gameboy in the other, and headphones/games in the last. He hugged me when I left. On an even sadder note, I saw this horrible video the other day of chinese people practically torturing this fish gasping for air. I haven't cried that much in a long time. I hate to be prejudice but I truly think Chinese people want to kill Americans, not all of them, but a lot of them. I hate this feeling eating at me all the time. It's getting really hard to fight it, but I keep on truckin' as the lone wolf. My solitude helps me become more independent, and I appreciate it, but it gets lonely.

attention, attention, may i have all your eyes &ears

I've been lacking on my writing lately. I crave attention so badly, it's sickening. PEOPLE! PEOPLE! These people around me drive me insane, yet i need them to stay sane. The way these people look with their eyes and mouths, The way these people laugh with their teeth and larynx, The things these people do to impress other people, The things these people do to be noticed, to hurt, to keep, to please, to shock... The way peoples muscles are sculpted just perfectly, or the comforting humanity of that layer of fatty tissue over the abdominal muscles that have gone unnoticed. People rule this earth. Animals are beautiful, and ugly, and feel just as we do, but they are put here for the continuation of the food chain. The Humans are at the top. The humans have brains which all work differently. Some brains have deficiencies from problems that go wrong in the process of development. Some Brains are absorbent and filled with knowledge and wisdom. These previously mentioned brains, make the normal brains feel melancholy, leading to my next topic. Some brains feel so melancholy, they need drugs to make them function in a socially acceptable manner. Some brains that once had abosorption, lose it within a quick instant. Some brains can't remember their own sons and daughters and mothers. Some brains absorb too much, or not enough, causing them to have inbalance. These people, with their eyes, and mouths, and organs, and bones, and blood, and skin are so unbelievably complicated. We love them. We hate them. We envy them. We never meet many of them. We seem to be surrounded by the same ones a lot. We meet new ones, sometimes. We meet the one, someday, or never. This life we live is so hard, that it's almost cruel when people say something is "easy." Every person is different. Every brain, every heart, every liver, every kidney, every skin. The differences in all of us people is what continues to interest us. It's ashame how often the word bored is used. This slump of boredem is here, to make the AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ORGASMIC moments deserve caps lock. I'm craving my AMAZING moments so badly right now. I need the people to help me to get there...happily. I need my brain to allow me to succeed. I need my weaknesses to help others with weaknesses feel stronger, feel less alone. I need other people's weaknesses to make me feel better, too. Every person is made to have the same worth, so more people should allow their brains to open, and their guards to descend. We must accept these people, for whatever reason we use them for now will one day divide and separate into swift winds, and we will need them for reasons we are yet to know.

who am i?

I think i hate this part of my life; this age. What am i supposed to be? We continue to be pushed to succeed, to always do well. Things are happening at 50 miles a minute when you can't take it, and when your ready for something, it never happens, at least not yet. Nothing happens when your ready, it seems spontaneity has the upper hand. People continue to judge, point out your flaws, excentuate your weaknesses, and downsize your worth. Young people continue to make stupid decisions, but so do adults. Will people ever learn? Stupid decisions can cause a minor bump in the road, or change your life forever. We never know what WILL happen, but we do know what CAN happen. Taking a lip gloss from a store is against the law, yet people are paying to have someONE they created ripped to bloody, grisly pieces, and be placed in bowls and buckets and then disposed of. And, this is legal. All the things that happen in this world, make people question themselves. You have known yourself your whole life, yet situations that you have just, in the last minute, been faced with make you forget yourself. Some people willingly cross fields and fields , that look more like dark alley ways, to reach the league that they feel they are not in. People can forget things as easily as another person remembers the same things. You are who you are. You are HUMAN! You do not have special powers. You're better at this, than she is at this, but she's better at that. Use what you have to your advantage. It is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but make sure you get there. Push through the obstacles standing in front of you in order to get there, even when it is unbearable. DON'T LOSE YOURSELF in the tunnel, or the fields, or the dark alley ways. You may not know who you are at times, but one day you'll know, exactly. When you know, you have all the power in the world.

what did she say?

Mmm what you say?
Mmm that you only meant well?
Well, of course you did
Mmm what you say?
Mmm that it's all for the best
Ah, off course it is.
Mmm what you say?
Mm that it's just what we need?
And you decided this?
Mmm what you say?
Mm, WHAT DID SHE SAYYYY?

Hipocracy

It's funny how people say one thing over and over again, and then do the opposite over and over again. This has been happening since the dawn of time and will continue to happen until the end. Will people ever change? Probably not. There is always this human thing inside of us forcing us to do anything to feel acceptance and continuously trying to accept others, no matter how much they have damaged you in the past, or at least how much you state they have, when they are NOT in your presence. Human existence is the most complex and hard to understand. We will continue to try, simply because we are human.

easily serious, to seriously easy?

The stress of the school year is slowly creeping back, and i'm trying not to let it consume me. I hate when people are serious, i hate having to be serious, about anything, especially pertaining to my life. I need to get out. I need to get out of here quickly. I need to get out of here before all seriousness eats me alive. I need to go to a place where nothing is serious and everythings easy, so i won't feel like I have to put my built up life's work into making things happen. I continue to wonder... can things ever happen on their own? Not in my life, they don't. Everything that I've ever wanted to happen, I've had to make happen. I've thought about this, and this is true; nature is not on my side. Horoscopes Lie... There's no fate... If you want something, you must go for it. If you don't want something, you must try your best to avoid it. And if you are forced to do things, you must do them with your best effort if you want to make it out. This is done so that we can learn to depend on ourselves instead of these so called forces of the universe. We do this because it is what's real. We do this in order to have a reward of ease, once we get out of the cloud of seriousness, and make ourselves.

something i've never consistently felt..until now?

For some reason... lately i've been really happy. I feel like I can possibly make it in the world. My life is pretty boring and uneventful, so the fact that I feel this way is mind-altering. I am not thrilled about starting school again, considering when I was younger I thought I'd be experiencing a way more successful life by this time, especially by this time. I am not there yet, not even close, but I feel like i've needed it for so long that I will have it some day. Hopefully, sooner rather than later. Damn I love Richard Gere, sorry my mind has now wondered to my television set. Me and my mother both have this strange Richard Gere obsession. This started when I was 4 years old. I just recently found out that my mother shared this obsession with me, and it's Creepy. Anyway, my craving for success is becoming stronger with each day, so i need it, i need it bad. If i'm happy now, just think of the ecstasy I will feel when I'm accomplished!

"Teenage dreams in a teenage circus
Running around like a clown on purpose
Who gives a damn about the family you come from?
No givin up when you’re young and you want some"

MIKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

my world

I think I have writer's block. I haven't gone this long without writing in forever. I'm really lonely. I'm craving attention. I miss the faces of my peers. Everone's got their own thing in summer. If force is the only way I can be around people, than maybe I'm more ready for school to begin than i thought. If I hear anything about Jon and Kate Gosselin one more time I think I'll drink gasoline. Every year I have a birthday, I get older, yet the setting remains the same. Not only is the setting the same, but just about every aspect of my life as well. I need to do something. I need to get busy. I need to get busy doing something that I know will be great. I need to make a dent in somebody else's life so that I don't remain forgotten. I need a project. Nothing has gone as planned with my world and my life. I better get to work or things will only get harder.

death of icons

EVERYBODY IS DYING! THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!

Today, not only FARRAH FAWCETT, but MICHAEL JACKSON both died.

this is ridic!
Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Elvis, John Lennon, John Belucci, River Phoenix, Princess Diana, Anna Nicole, Heath Ledger, Natasha Richardson, David Carradine... WHY!

well, on this day I will remember the feathered hair, and famous poster, and the legend that is Farrah Fawcett

and listen to Billie jean, thriller, smooth criminal, bad, Beat it, etc. and remember the king of pop.


R.I.P

Birthdays

Birthdays, to some, a day that is dead set on complete attention of one individual who is showered in gifts, and most commonly throws a celebration of sorts.

to me, a yearly reminder that i have gone another 365 days without accomplishing a goal or making anything of myself.

This day passes quickly, like any other day.

When I was younger, and unaware of the ignorance of children, I would throw a party.
This party consisted of me inviting a bunch of people from school to my house, half the people I wasn't friends with, and that's most likely why only half the people showed up.

in less than 15 minutes, the majority of the guests that even bothered showing up left without a word.

Today, any house with alcohol and a pool is a sactuary to teenagers.
teenagers who will get drunk, go in your front yard, though you urged them to stay in the back, and two boys will get in a fight, at which time the neighbors will call the police, and less than an hour before this "party" began, it will be over.

this is not my idea of a good time, so I do not have parties.

I don't get presents.

The night normally ends up with me, alone, watching the wedding singer and reciting the song Adam Sandler sings ...." Somebody kill me please, Somebody kill me plaaaaaaaze! i'm on my knees pretty pretty please KILL ME. I want to dieeeee... put a bullet in my heeeee-e-e-e-ead!"


and then i fall asleep, I wake up a year older, and my life remains the same as all the previous years.

I am an eternal cynic, i guess.

bummer summer

"Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go,
and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lied, wrote my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses
And you, maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep In white houses"

TOGA! TOGA!

Of course I would be the only one actually wearing a toga.


Ahhh, It's nice for an old lady to feel young again every once in a while.

"Never depend on anybody, because they seldom come through"
-Victoria Sunseri

drink.drank.drunk.stupid sophomore

Today, or (tonight) I was the average teenager. It was an "out of body" experience, considering i am closer to being a 60 year old woman, than a teenager. I am always awkward. I never am aquainted with anyone. Somehow, once the alcohol takes a few laps through your blood, you become comfortable doing just about anything. There's always that little aspect of you that is still there, saying " what the fuck are you doing, you worthless sophomore." The alcohol is very successful at blocking most of those voices out. It's sad, you know, getting drunk, just to feel like you are worth something; just to slur instead of speak eloquantly; just to fall over as you walk; just to blend in with the drunken, naive teenagers, as you are an old woman drinking in the body of a 15 year old. No matter how good or bad I feel during the night; it will always be sad as you go home ALONE and EMPTY-HANDED, as I always do. When you are home, in your bed, writing while you still have a buzz; it all comes down to -I am the same girl as I was when the night started; alone and unhappy. The alcohol flowing through your veins causes you to be truthful, and i have to type that truthfulness to a computer; because saying it to a human will ruin their high; they don't get it, you are 60 and they are 16.

damn it, take your pills, swallow them with water, throw away your, now, beer-flavored gum, and drink another enormous swig of water to clear you of your impure(teenaged) thoughts, so nobody can tell in the morning.

fuq it all!

Apparently, the 2 things I thought i was possibly good at...I obviously am not; according to the public's response
FML
SO FUQ IT!

from robots to juggernauts

Why are people so afraid to be who they really are, and not who people want them to be?

The sickest thing i've ever seen is when 2 absolute opposites spend about 2 days together and morph into one skin.
They throw all their unique characteristics away, even though that was all they had to make them interesting, and a good friend, and worth spending time with in the first place.

they become lost. A thing of the past. You see little bits and pieces of the old personalities slip out from time to time, but for the majority...they become robots, programmed by the person they let be in control of them, and when those persons morph together they become a huge juggernaut crushing everything and everyone in it's path. the apathy is gone. the emotion is gone. the compassion is gone. the happiness is gone. the fun is gone. A friend is gone.

we're not all toms and gatsbys

here's to the Nick Carraway's of the world.

we all just want to fit in.

pills for thrills

When you enter the world, nobody ever tells you that you need synthetic ingredients to live happily, or live simply without going completely insane. It's just something you'll learn throughout time, lived out in awkward glances, hurtful remarks, and complete ignorance. Also, an alcoholic grandmother, a wanna-be stage mom with (even if she doesn't want to admit it) some of the same genetic- makeup of her mother, a bipolar brother that gets high more often than he visits, and a sexual-orientation confused sister..can just about do it. Sometimes I think humans should have a label on their side stating their ingredients, like food. 3 pills a day to be pretty and maintain self-esteem. 1 pill a day to stay sane. 1 pill a day just because if you miss a day, your hormones get all fucked up. And, 1 pill a day for your iron deficiency causing your anemia. But, then again, If we all had labels on our sides, would we be judged more harshly? or, Would people hold their comments back to spare our feelings? One thing is for sure, It would definitely destroy that element of mystery. The element that I sometimes REALLY need. I feel so much more important, knowing that people know nothing about me. I can give them withering stares. I can flash a pathetic half smile. I can strut like the world is my oyster. I can be who ever I want to be, and as long as I am convinced that I am that person, everyone else will be too. That is the reason we can't have labels stuck to our sides, because we're not products, we are people. And if people judged us immediately based upon the pills we take, the family we have, and the friends we choose to hang out with, then we would never be able to tell those people the story behind these ingredients, and how they came to be, and how we feel about them. And until people decide they really want to know YOU, then the element of mystery never gets dull.(at least in my opinion)

i'm right here right now

Sometimes when i'm somewhere i either really want to be or don't want to be at all, I just stop thinking of what's going on and say to myself i'm here, right now, and it's going to be over in a little while and i'll never be here again. Like one moment you're at school and it's a friday and you're like i'm here right now and this is what i'm doing, and it paralyzes you. You go brain dead for a second and you are speechless and all you can think is this is where i am and i'm just this person inside this body and have no control over it. Then next thing you know you are out doing something with your friends and you look back at that moment, you see the exact picture of the time you were saying to yourself "i am here right now." Then suddenly in a flash it's the next year and you're doing something different and you look back at that moment, what seemed like so long at the time, but you realize how short it really was now. One time i was in a grocery store with my friend's little sister and i was looking for chicken. As my eye spotted it, the thought came to my head. I still remember that. It's really weird. And once you get that whole concept in your head you begin to understand the whole perception of space and time and you begin to see yourself as just one of the billions of life forms in the world.

i now realize how much i sound like i just got high, and this is a meaningless conversation i would have with the person next to me

but, this is just me, no drugs attached, sadly.

"I have tasted freedom. I will not give up that which I have tasted. I have a lot more to drink. For that reason, the political numbers game will be played. I know the rules of their game now and how to play it."

"If I turned around every time somebody called me a faggot, I'd be walking backward - and I don't want to walk backward."


“If a bullet should go through my head let that bullet go through every closet door.”



p.s. i am in love >

sisters, and segel, and so on

Well, exam week has finally come to a much needed close. My sister came home today with three boxes of food that she won't let me have one scrap of but is not at all reluctant to scarf down all of my tiramusu! My obsession with jason segel is growing, and i must see i love you, man fairly soon. I was late on my shots when i went to the pediatrition today(which i assume i am going to be going to for the rest of my life instead of to a real hospital) and my mom didn't hesitate to nod her head at the notion of 4 shots in a row for me today...immediately after i downed a shot of motrin. I also had to get a tuberculosis test in which they stick a needle shallowly into your arm and inflate your skin with liquid, making it resemble a bubble, and expect you not to touch it. Oh, and i got a physical. This all because my mom got me some bunk ass job at the hospital for service hours, which i need 20 of by march 31st. If procrastonation was an olympic sport, i'd be a frequent gold medalist. I am patiently waiting the arrival of the movie Adventureland. "And, well that about covuhs it" ( in stewie voice).

remember my name

"This is ten percent luck,
Twenty percent skill,
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
Five percent pleasure,
Fifty percent pain,
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!"

if everyone were honest, "weird" would be meaningless and unheard of

I take showers when I feel like nothing can cleanse me of the events of the earlier days. I take baths when i need complete escape of the outside world. I lay in the fetal position, as if i were in the womb of my mother, hearing nothing of the outside, just the slow flowing of water and the beginning stages of my working organs. I hold my breath and go under the water... the parents fighting, the tv's on in every room, the dogs barking, and the back door shutting all go on mute, and i am suddenly in a different world. All i can hear are the breaths i am taking, and my heart beat increasing and then slowing. It feels good to escape. From the girls, who mistake themselves for women and lose all self-respect. From the girls who could make me post FML's all day long for the insults they fling my way. From the tests i am constantly taking, and passing, and failing. Sometimes i just wish we could stop, and take this one test, the test of honesty, writing down what you have learned from personal experiences and the experiences you've seen your peers go through, being raw and uncut. number one to five...state five of your biggest insecurities. number 6 ... list all the virgins you know, because as for the rest, well that list might leave absolutely no room for the next questions. number 7 ...state the things you would do to get the hottest boy you've ever seen. number 8...list the things that you've already done to win that boy over. number 9...list the things you did to yourself when that boy forgot who you were. number 10... list the number of people you know who have died of natural causes in the last 5 years...number 11...list the number of people who have died of un-natural causes in the last 5 years...number 12...list the number of times you have been betrayed by friends...number 13...list the number of times your friends have lied to you for their own satisfaction...number 14...list the number of medications you've been through over the last year...number 15...describe your life in 3 words.


but if people finally decided to FACE FACTS, then they would all be clinically depressed...

so for those of us who do, let us keep up with our meds

and for those of us who don't, continue to live in denial, because the day you have no room left in the file cabinet of contradictions, you will be far past the point of a cure, no medication in the world can dull the pain of being buried in a shallow grave of your own defiances.

Sick&Tired

you will regret what you do, but i will do nothing for this progression

i doubt you will ever get your priorities straight

you're childish and need to grow up, it's time

i really hope one day you will learn who really cares for you, because you haven't yet... and i fear you will, and it will hurt you, and it will be far too late for us

your naivety will lead to your downfall

needed my lonely island fix

" we like sports and we don't care who knows ..from wimbledon to the astrodome.. we like sports and we don't care who knows..football football football tennis hockey golf..now when i say sportz you say nutz SPORTZ NUTZ SPORTZ NUTZ now when i say cheating you say sux CHEATING SUX CHEATING SUX......we're real men and we like sports if you say that we don't then we'll see you in court i'm team captain and i choose you..i'm the other team captain and i choose you too..we steal the ball and we're off to the races, then scare the other team with our mad dog faces like WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT!"

well, on a different and darker note..

i have approximately 77 sex offenders within a 2 mile radius of me.

&they ain't pretty

confessions of a slumdog

Today i had to get my movie fix. I saw confessions of a shopaholic and slumdog millionaire. It was a win/win, because I enjoyed both movies for entirely different reasons. When we got in the second movie, my mother claimed her seat was "broken", and that it didn't "rock right". I told her i would switch seats with her. Apparently, my seat was also "broken." We switched rows about ten times, because i guess everything was a problem for my OCD mother. As the people in the theater stared at us making a scene, i told her that i would not move again. We finally settled, and began watching slumdog. The beginning was confusing, but it's one of those movies where you have to wait to go look back at each aspect of the earlier events until you understand what's going on in the present. Luckily we didn't run out the theater, or we would've missed the custom Bollywood Dance at the end, that looked less Bollywood, and more N sync. The movie itself was amazing though; sad; made me appreciate things more. Confessions of a shopaholic was more like one of those "cute" movies, not intriguing, nor upsetting; just one of those movies that you walk out of and say that was "cute." I personally enjoyed it, but i'm a big Isla Fisher fan.
I completely forgot about the Ponchatrain Center Homes Show, and i'm really craving the meatballs they hand out. There's a Harry Potter marathon on today, for anyone who's a fan of the wizards. I can't stop thinking about those adorable little slumdog kids! I want one!

chow for now
XO XO GOSSIP GIRL

ahhh just kidding, it's just me

sicky

well, my mardi gras holidays have gone down the tubes. I've been really sick for the past few days. I went to my pediatrition today(yes, i still see a pediatrition) and she informed me that i have walking pneumonia. I haven't eaten in days, and have had fever for the last 3 days. To top it all off school starts in just a couple of days. I am falling apart. I feel like shit. WHY ME?

sex and the city season 1 understands me

"puberty is a phase, 15 years of rejection is a lifestyle"

ME+MARDI GRAS= LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP

there is nothing worse than drunkenly standing in the middle of a mob of highschool kids, watching them hang all over each other, watching how quickly they move from one person to another, and realize in this moment, in the midst of all these people having drunken conversations around you, that you are alone, and nobody loves you.

SO highschool

The saddest thing possible to watch is the thing, or things i see everyday. Oh, highschool girls and their highschool drama. It's like don't let anybody hear one word that comes out your mouth because they are listening and watching like the paparazzi and just waiting for their moment to twist your words, or just make up some of their own. They love to make front page news. oooh gossip, they live it, they breath it. They say words like "best friends" and they want to hear all your secrets, they are trained actors people, do not be fooled. They are so good at what they do. They find two people who have been in an honest friendship for 12 years, and they slowly swivel their way inbetween the two of them. They take one to parties, and dress her up, and treat her as their little doll. They make the other trust them, they pretend to have feelings, ACTUAL FEELINGS! hah! They are tape recorders, they take your words, say NOTHING of their own, and play the tape backwards and twisted for all the pretty dolls to hear. Then, probably when it's too late, you realize the "friends" are really barbie dolls, with tape recorders, then the barbie dolls become chuckie dolls. Anyway, you get the point.

It never ceases to amaze me, the way these girls don't all just want to be open, to be honest, to be REAL, and HAPPY.

I guess they like watching other people feel pain, and they'll keep liking it...

until they feel the same pain themselves.


Please, GROW UP.

blah,blah, puh-puh-poker face

Everyday i wake up in hope of some miraculous phone call from my school saying, we just don't have school today, all the teachers came down with mono. Everyday, when that call doesn't come i put on my ugly ass scottish kilt-style uniform, let the dogs out, and pack my lunch. Some days, when i feel i have no tolerance left for a school that dresses itself up in an alb, and calls itself a "catholic school", when in reality it is just a place for teenaged girls who lost their virginity in the 8th grade to stare at different boards all day filled wih words that they will never appreciate or understand, I tell my mother I'm not feeling well. I'm not a liar, I really don't ever feel "well." When I feel "well" I'll let you, and my mother both know. When i get home from "sluthell", I make sure i get all my homework done early. I want to get all work out the way before I fall into my pretend, and more suitable life. I get on the computer for way too many hours out of the day, it sickens me, it's an addiction, a habit, a pathetic way of life. Sundays I watch desperate housewives. Monday i watch gossip girl. Tuesday i watch 90120, privileged, fringe, and nip/tuck. Wednesday, as of right now, is my Television day of rest. I pick up on Thursday with Grey's Anatomy. Friday, i get to catch up on everything i missed and laugh at The Soup, and Chelsea Lately. You see, the technological world that we live in is my only escape of the lack of excitment in my own life. Some days i wish i had lived in the 40s, i just picture everyone with their red lipstick and high wasted skirts, before any decent technological advances, a time when some things remained shocking or taboo. In today's world, 13 year old mothers and fathers walking around, holding babies with heads as big as their own, is no longer a shocker. Everyday there is a new picture on the internet of some disney star's vagina. We have become so used to old horny men talking sexually to 12 year old boys on the internet, that we made a show to catch them, all for our own amusement. We live in a world where babies fuck. We live in one sick world. When we find just one moment of innocence in a day, just one spark of genuine happiness, we forget the pedophiles, and the fucking babies, and the media, and in this one moment we appreciate this world in which we live.

when all i have is myself, it scares me

all work and no play makes victoria a dull girl.

Obviously unoccupied

well, I obviously have enough time on my hands on vday to fit in another blog. I know i'm pathetic, but who isn't at some point. I went to the cheesecake bistro with my sister and her gay lover. Does that make me a vagina block? Anyway, we were going to play this singing game on wii, with all these selena gomez, demi lovato, and aly & AJ songs, all of whom i hate, but i'm just in the mood to sing very loudly. I have about 50 pages of the book I'm writing finished, so once my life actually gets interesting, i'll hopefully have more to write about. My parents left me alone for a week to go out of town, then came back for a week, then left again for two more weeks. I survived my first of the second batch of weeks alone, without ending up dead in an ally way. i've gained over 10 pounds from last year, which disgusts me, and i weigh 11 more pounds than my older sister which disgusts me even more. I'm sorry that i love food so much. I'm also sorry that I'm the least active person you'll ever meet. Did I mention how much I hate valentine's day. It's extremely depressing paying 40 dollars for your own meal on this day.
This picture... v

made me want a rat really bad.
I already have a chihuahua that sort of resembles a rat... He's my son, I treat him like a son, I love him like a son, and I spoil my son. When somebody treats my son badly, I defend my son. Do not cross my son.

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day, as you all know. What is Valentine's Day anyway? This is just a day that lives for making single people feel ashamed. You get your candy from your mother, and a card that says to my daughter, saying some ridiculous words on how you should be happy today. You know I'm not going to be happy today. This is why My Bloody Valentine 3-D was made, for those single people to go to the movie theater and see some guy's "valentine's" body parts fly all over the audience. It helps us cope. On a different note, I've done a few things this week that I'm not proud of. I saw someone that I could see myself with, but I seem to see those people a lot, just once, and then It is gone and you can't remember whether it really happened or you just imagined it. I am one of those people who is ALWAYS single, for some reason or another. It's not that I'm not open to a relationship, it's just that everyone in this town is exactly the same, and it has become nauseating. Well, I will say "happy valentine's day" to those people that actually celebrate it, those people that actually love one another, I'll say it to 2 people i know who have on this date, been married for 25 years. So, Happy V-day Mom and Dad. And for the rest of us, don't consider yourself unwanted, don't be ashamed, just consider yourself as someone with higher standards than the rest, who tend to settle. Consider this to be a day of celebration of not settling, and being in a meaningless relationship that just complicates things, and changes you. Just be you. Just eat a lot of chocolate. Be a happy, fat, singular person on this day, and watch a fucking horror movie.

when you were young

it's strange to think about when you were younger compared to who you are now. When we're younger, we always feel the need to look older, act older, and be older. You see the girl talking about her boyfriend, and see her with a cigarette in her hand, and wish that you could just move up 5 years in 5 minutes. When we get older, we see that the girl was talking about how her boyfriend cheated on her with a freshman, and she pulls out a cigarette because her friends got her hooked on it a week earlier. You see your friend that you used to play board games and watch nickelodeon with, trade her dolls for boys, her suckers for cigarettes, and her juice box for a a bottle of vitamin water spiked heavily with vodka.You see the friends that you had over for sleepovers get distant, and trade your friendship with them for one drunken excursion to a highschool party.When we get older, when we can finally see, we wish we could give it all away, just for our childhood back. we want the innocence back, we want to see the innocence of our peers back, we want to see less wrinkles on our parents, we want to see our old dog chase after a flash light & pet her fur again, we want to reverse the moment when our brothers traded their nintendo for a bong, but we can never go back. The moment you turn thirteen, it's like watching the beginning of the deterioration of your childhood, and soon enough you'll see the last wisp of innocence disappear in a quick gluiding breeze. The end is near. The end is nearer than you think. we needn't think about the end. that is key. the end.