Dead Girl Walking

Christmas always does the opposite of what it's supposed to. I could cry, but my tear ducts quit. I am so emotionless. My parents have stopped speaking since an argument on Christmas morning. I sleep through every day. I awoke today at 5 pm. My Father was gone. My mother was in hiding in her "studio." My mom even mentioned something to my sister about getting her own apartment. I don't know whether to laugh or be sad. I don't feel anything anymore. I have Nobody, but I continue watching everyone around me live. I am so lost in this movie that is Life. I'm not living my own, just watching others. Watching all these human emotions has been tiring, and just drains me to nothing. I've been broken for a long time. I hear a car door. Maybe this is my father returning? I'm scared to see the expression on his face. No. I am wrong. It's my mother. I don't know where she went, but she's back, attempting to hide her emotions. I am living my life on "Caring is Creepy" by the Shins on repeat. It's my anthem now. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I see this empty human with dark circles around her eyes and scars everywhere. The door sounds again. My father is home. He walks in his room without a word besides yelling "no" at the dogs and their incessant barking. I watch these people on TV. These are people that other people follow, and need, and love. These people have money and fame and fans and relationships. I wonder what it's like, all the time, i hope for a piece of it, all the time. Innocent people on death row die all the time, when murderers roam free. Fairness isn't reality. I'm forgetting what I love about living, and people, and the world around me. I need relief, I need work, I need help. I need to make a name for myself while I'm still young. It's hard to know that not many people will care when you die. Not enough lives will change, and I need to know they will. I sound like a squawking lunitic. I am. I want to do something that will change the minds of others, and feast off of it for years.

The Apartment?

We're Driving to the Place, It seems more like a race, to consume all of the alcohol, did my butt just make a phone call? My morals went down the drain as soon as the Apartment's image entered my brain. We're breaking so many laws right now, When I wake up in the morning I won't remember how. Boy this is cliche', in the next room's where they lay , on a twin sized bed, chivalry is dead. Peer pressure can really clutch, pass me another beer so I won't feel it as much. I met a few new "friends", we keep in touch until the party ends. In my head i'm a little girl, but my eyes see a world, that a child can't understand, this is not going as planned. Woke up with a headache after last night, I can't tell them, because i don't want to fight. There are empty spaces in my head where my braincells used to live, but now they're dead, Down My throat, then in my blood through my nose and in my lungs. This foil covered crack house, the stains that cover this blouse, shut the fuck up, quiet as a mouse.

fudge

My medicine keeps me happy, gives me false hopes, and makes me feel worth something. When I forget to take it I feel insane. I am pissed off at the world and crying for no solid reason. But, when I don't have pills to fade reasons, I have a million. Everyone around me fucks like bunnies. They live adult lives. I'm still a child. I think I was born with a mild case of downssyndrome. Can I just do something with my life to make myself and family proud. I H8 this, breaking the keyboard. fudggggeeeeeeeeeeeeee, its the holidays, why to i feel like a lone shit in the backyard?

I can't fight this feeling anymore

Today, I went to Colonial Bowling Lanes, for service hours. The disabled peeps hang there. I met some fabulous people whom I LOVE! This man, Jesse, was an amazing bowler and reminded me so much of sean penn in i am sam. He gave me a high five as soon as I walked in the door. Upon arrival, a man came up to me and showed me his mini cop car model, amazed that the doors opened. I hate the fact that I didn't learn many of there names, but they couldn't pronounce mine anyway. I hung out with this man half the time who informed me that his 50 year old birthday was coming soon. He looked as any other man, he smiled all the time, and had a bit of tourettes, he really knew how to keep the conversation flowing though. The rest of the time I spent with another man who was watching an action movie on his game boy. He was quick to show me all of his gadgets in cases attatched to his hips. He had a camera in one, another gameboy in the other, and headphones/games in the last. He hugged me when I left. On an even sadder note, I saw this horrible video the other day of chinese people practically torturing this fish gasping for air. I haven't cried that much in a long time. I hate to be prejudice but I truly think Chinese people want to kill Americans, not all of them, but a lot of them. I hate this feeling eating at me all the time. It's getting really hard to fight it, but I keep on truckin' as the lone wolf. My solitude helps me become more independent, and I appreciate it, but it gets lonely.

attention, attention, may i have all your eyes &ears

I've been lacking on my writing lately. I crave attention so badly, it's sickening. PEOPLE! PEOPLE! These people around me drive me insane, yet i need them to stay sane. The way these people look with their eyes and mouths, The way these people laugh with their teeth and larynx, The things these people do to impress other people, The things these people do to be noticed, to hurt, to keep, to please, to shock... The way peoples muscles are sculpted just perfectly, or the comforting humanity of that layer of fatty tissue over the abdominal muscles that have gone unnoticed. People rule this earth. Animals are beautiful, and ugly, and feel just as we do, but they are put here for the continuation of the food chain. The Humans are at the top. The humans have brains which all work differently. Some brains have deficiencies from problems that go wrong in the process of development. Some Brains are absorbent and filled with knowledge and wisdom. These previously mentioned brains, make the normal brains feel melancholy, leading to my next topic. Some brains feel so melancholy, they need drugs to make them function in a socially acceptable manner. Some brains that once had abosorption, lose it within a quick instant. Some brains can't remember their own sons and daughters and mothers. Some brains absorb too much, or not enough, causing them to have inbalance. These people, with their eyes, and mouths, and organs, and bones, and blood, and skin are so unbelievably complicated. We love them. We hate them. We envy them. We never meet many of them. We seem to be surrounded by the same ones a lot. We meet new ones, sometimes. We meet the one, someday, or never. This life we live is so hard, that it's almost cruel when people say something is "easy." Every person is different. Every brain, every heart, every liver, every kidney, every skin. The differences in all of us people is what continues to interest us. It's ashame how often the word bored is used. This slump of boredem is here, to make the AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ORGASMIC moments deserve caps lock. I'm craving my AMAZING moments so badly right now. I need the people to help me to get there...happily. I need my brain to allow me to succeed. I need my weaknesses to help others with weaknesses feel stronger, feel less alone. I need other people's weaknesses to make me feel better, too. Every person is made to have the same worth, so more people should allow their brains to open, and their guards to descend. We must accept these people, for whatever reason we use them for now will one day divide and separate into swift winds, and we will need them for reasons we are yet to know.

who am i?

I think i hate this part of my life; this age. What am i supposed to be? We continue to be pushed to succeed, to always do well. Things are happening at 50 miles a minute when you can't take it, and when your ready for something, it never happens, at least not yet. Nothing happens when your ready, it seems spontaneity has the upper hand. People continue to judge, point out your flaws, excentuate your weaknesses, and downsize your worth. Young people continue to make stupid decisions, but so do adults. Will people ever learn? Stupid decisions can cause a minor bump in the road, or change your life forever. We never know what WILL happen, but we do know what CAN happen. Taking a lip gloss from a store is against the law, yet people are paying to have someONE they created ripped to bloody, grisly pieces, and be placed in bowls and buckets and then disposed of. And, this is legal. All the things that happen in this world, make people question themselves. You have known yourself your whole life, yet situations that you have just, in the last minute, been faced with make you forget yourself. Some people willingly cross fields and fields , that look more like dark alley ways, to reach the league that they feel they are not in. People can forget things as easily as another person remembers the same things. You are who you are. You are HUMAN! You do not have special powers. You're better at this, than she is at this, but she's better at that. Use what you have to your advantage. It is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but make sure you get there. Push through the obstacles standing in front of you in order to get there, even when it is unbearable. DON'T LOSE YOURSELF in the tunnel, or the fields, or the dark alley ways. You may not know who you are at times, but one day you'll know, exactly. When you know, you have all the power in the world.

what did she say?

Mmm what you say?
Mmm that you only meant well?
Well, of course you did
Mmm what you say?
Mmm that it's all for the best
Ah, off course it is.
Mmm what you say?
Mm that it's just what we need?
And you decided this?
Mmm what you say?
Mm, WHAT DID SHE SAYYYY?