I AM SO RJ BERGER, it hurts.

Minus The Dick.

more uneventfulness for my liking

I ate lunch at a restaurant today, and saw the new Adam Sandler movie. AKA: I did SOMETHING today. I can't go an hour without having a hot flash. I've finally worked up the stamina to take a shower today, thank God. My vagina's mind is consumed with thoughts of Eric from True Blood. My mind is surrounded by the fact that adam brody and rachel bilson were the most sickeningly adorable couple ever, and I kind of miss them together. I have to Pee, but I'm writing. I'm fucking up my bladder for this blog that nobody reads. My new internet site i've found to eat up all my time is morphthing.com. I spend hours daily morphing different celebrities faces together or with mine to see what this imaginary person would look like. It fascinates me every time. I think it's a big improvement from the hours I spend on bonelessgirl.net. This is a site where an animatronic girl with endless flexibility falls through the sky and bounces off of bubbles. She resembles a corpse being violently tossed through the air, but she never seems to land. I think it was giving me sociopathic tendencies.

Let's talk about sex, baby

I get it KIDS.
I'm not there yet.
Not even close.
Never been in that situation.
Yes, I am semi-socially retarded.
But, I GET IT!
I'm surrounded by harmonal beings.
I have the internet, and I rent true blood on DVD.
At one point my household could afford HBO and SHOWTIME.
I'm human I have urges.
But I also have self control.
I think people do things more today because they think they have to instead of actually wanting to.
Put two people together for long enough and one is bound to mark their territory and claim their dominance and take the upper-hand.
Two of my friends are pregnant, one is married, one is alone.
They have both actually accepted the vomitting and lack of sleep and weight gain and most importantly the gift of making an actual person. And, I commend them.
I think a lot of people that I know have been pregnant before but got scared, people get scared they get selfish, they get violent.
USE A FUCKING CONDOM!
it's really NOT THAT HARD.
If you don't want a baby, use your brain, we have them for a reason.
just as we have a uterus, for a reason.
"PREGNANT"
think of what that word actually means.
You are here because of it.
You are in this room with the locked door and the harmones racing and the bodily contact and you feel wanted and needed and blah blah blah, and you are there because your dad got your mom pregnant that one time, and now you have life.
Now, you have decisions, and emotions, and your sense of reality, and panic, and you are living.
Aren't you happy that you got that opportunity?
But, you're too embarrassed and you can't afford it and your too young to have created a miniature, attention craving human.
You get your boyfriend to go to the store and pay $10-35 for the morning after pill because you think you may be pregnant because your boyfriend doesn't like condoms, and you take it and hope that if you did create life in this moment of teenaged (almost comedic) stupidity, that it's destroyed, and you won't have to tell your parents, and save up money.
Or, you know your pregnant so you go to the sketchy, asbestos-ridden clinic and you pay anywhere from 500 to 1000 dollars for some "doctor" to suck the baby out, because you try not to think, 'I was that once' and instead you think it's just this hunk-o-junk and you cry, and you go home, and you move on because you would be spending multiples more money for a living being, and you just don't have the time.
I am truly sorry for the ones who get into these situations, and what's done is done, and yes,you are important and deserve to be happy, and you should learn, just as you should from all mistakes.
And just because his eyes sparkle, and he takes showers daily and you think he's trust-worthy doesn't necessarily mean he's herpes proof.
AIDS is also still a killer disease without a cure, by the way, even if you think it's this impossible thing in your suburban neighborhoods.
I don't like porn either.
It makes sex look ugly and cheap, and if people actually take notes from it, then i could vomit.
If you are young and naive and expect your teenaged counterparts to be so quick and cheap, and dirty, and utterly fake and inhumane as the plastic mindless zombies and the fat men that they're sitting on top of that they just met in the back of an '89 rapist van, then I'll go Amish.
Just don't be stupid, or do things just because your friends have and it looks steamy on your favorite tv show and it seems like hella fun.
Do them because you are a human, and have feelings and you found mutual love at one point.
And have some fucking self-esteem.
Now, I'm not trying to pass judgement! I'm just encouraging those who choose ignorance, or those who are confused to make informed decisions.
if you don't respect yourself, no one else will.
And, I still care a shit load for all of you no matter what ill-informed decisions you make in your lifetime.
And stop thinking that if you are not fucking people you're not a rockstar.
pussy pussy pussy, life's a lil wayne song, i get it.
But, really, it's not.

Out Of My Box (courtesy of March 29)

my box filled with the past, the box i created for myself, as if the memories burned into my brain aren't damaging enough. I collect, and collect. These are items that no normal human would collect. This box was much heavier than I expected it would be, probably because I try to block out a good majority of the memories that the items bring back. I see movie ticket stubs, empty pill bottles, hospital bracelets, journals, lyrics written on napkins, cd cases, crumpled loose leaf paper, directions written on the back of press on tattoos, etc. But, as I lay my fingers upon each item I feel this sudden, sickening energy. I begin to remember why these items should remain in a world separate from the one in which I currently reside. I simply can't bear being trapped in this box. I remember why I am out of my box.

oil spill's a bitch, but aziz took my words

Feels Familiar, Feels like SUMMER

Waking up in the PM,
Going to sleep in the AM,
Watching all the seasons of SKINS,
and unmeasurable amounts of YouTube videos,
smearing spf 30 on my pale skin,
rain falling, and thunder rumbling, when
I wanted to basque in the sunlight,
Nothing to do when I look beautiful,
and a suddenly and unusually event-filled schedule
when I look like shit,
Pounds of lipstick over chapped lips,
and tons of makeup over scarred, sunburnt skin,
2 year old bikinis, and bright color schemes, hotflashes
under a 20 lb. laptop, and night sweats
an absentee mother,a green swimming pool,
empty fridge, and plenty of pills.....
AHHHHHH YES, feels like summer

Floating

My mind is constantly and frantically contemplating, thinking, dwelling, and searching for new and improved things to dwell on, and new and improved ways to contemplate and think about those things.

I always feel like I am just floating around in life.
I'm never in a stable setting, and I can't control time.
I could get out of bed right now, at 5:00 am, and walk out of my front door into the rain and darkness, walk until I find myself in a new setting where I can actually do something that can make others and myself feel actual emotion toward, and happiness about, and the moment in which I did this would be captured and remembered.
But, this is reality. My brain and insticts tell me that If I walk out of that door I know that I could potentially be putting myself in harms way, and getting myself into situations that I am inequipt to handle. And, no matter how far I walk, I will be tired and run out of energy before ever stepping foot out of this town. And, this would actually require me exerting energy, which my laziness would never allow.
So in my actuality, I will stay in this bed, watch youtube until 6:30 am, while looking at pictures of Marlon Brando in some other tab, and quoting his movies on my facebook statuses in the last tab. I will fall asleep at 7:00 am, and sleep until 6:00pm the next day, or rather evening. I will wake up and repeat the lazy summer cycle, until some daring friend of mine gets worried after weeks of unanswered phonecalls, and decides to call my house phone. At this time my parent will pick up the phone, explain that I'm in the bathroom, or sleeping, and get the message to me that someone called 3 hours later. At this time, I will pick up the house phone, call this friend and explai to them that my phone has been dead and I've been too lazy to stick a cord in it that will nurse it back to health. This friend may invite me to do SOMETHING (ANYTHING)(MOVEMENT!) and I will either make up an excuse because I'm in no state to be seen by human eyes, or I will accept.

I am afraid of the unknown, and an utter mess altogether.

But, when I walk into my backyard, descend into the swimming pool, take a deep breath, allow my lungs to inflate with air, and I float half above and half below the water.........

worries fade, screaming stops, all I hear is calm, and all I see is beauty.
In this moment I appreciate LIFE. I am so dazed by the exquisiteness of the trees and sky above me, that I forget how hard it is to go through the motions of humanity, and remember how easy it is to smile and be completely tranquil and consumed with joy. When you feel and see how gorgeous the earth can be in this moment, you see being here in human form a gift, rather than a burden.

and this... makes me want to get up, and do SOMETHING!