I continue to wonder..

Is this feeling of utter sickness ever going to be relieved?

I'm sick in the literal sense, but when I'm not I'm just plain sick in the head.

I stayed home from school today, I didn't want to, but I couldn't stand it, I wouldn't have been able to walk around with books weighing me down, not comprehending the words coming out of peoples' mouths, and simply people looking at me, I didn't want people to see me today.

I was watching this movie about Bettie Page's life earlier.
Now, she is the pefect example of a smart woman, that had been so manipulated, that she became completely objectified.
But who cares, the world knows her name, and mine is insignificant.

I'm watching this Leonardo Dicaprio movie right now, The Beach.

I'm so beyond obsessed with him. His acting takes me to a completely different place. But, honestly, his acting is impeccable. Anything that comes out of his mouth and every expression on his face sounds and looks like a work of art to me. I am so jealous of his acting career. His supermodel girlfriend doesn't help much either.


I'm determined to know someone, not related to me, with a foreign accent.
I need a British accent in my life.

Can I Be You?

feelings?

I'm dying to know if you have any
If anyone does anymore, or if dulling their senses works enough to mask them totally
My senses can be fully scathed and I would still feel my heart ventricles getting tangled in each other and suffocating every second of everyday, because I can't make a moment pass where I'm distracted enough not to feel this
every inch of me knows
my organs are all gossiping about me
my liver is pissed because I keep pouring poison in it, and it wants nothing more than to be healthy
my lungs are screaming for pure air
my brain is tired of losing cells, it is constantly in mourning
my stomach keeps screaming at me and ceasing
and sends it message to my throat that must extract all the intake from the night
And my heart is the most destroyed, because it knows that I only do this because the courage I have only comes in liquid form in order for me to speak to you

at this point, my heart is already condensed enough for you to rip it out, roll it in a blunt, and smoke it....

maybe then you'll feel.

This Hurts

You didn't have me at hello, you had me before it
but every time i try to tell you how i feel you ignore it

EASTER

makes you remember how drunk you need to be, to remember how much you love your family. LOVE is something that I feel toward so many people whose minds I don't even cross, and I'm okay with that. Thank You Jesus for rising, so I can rise against.

Texts from Last Night

"HaHa dude im drugged as the next guy...if the next guy was marilyn manson....*** Phyllis Ct. Me and myself doing a comedy show alone for the palm of my hand....no parents


Hey tanny im. Loaded


im with your hubby and his wifeyssssss cmon courtney love!!!!!!!


hey drop dayddddd


Lol i did everatong..i did like a mexican drug deal and now noone will talk to ke haha



Barry im atvalexs drunk as the fuqqqqqq...chris is here...And im ready for my comedy set



Plz come im drunk as Cortney love as shegave birth to a new dimension of drunkeness...youll laugh if you come


Dude it worth it im like making myself lol and errrryone else is MIA

That sounds like perfection to a drug addict


haha chris as here but im so drunk that i cant stand up offf of the toilet and i dont know where anyone is"

12% alcohol, and a teenaged know it all

I am sitting here in the office of my best friend since pre-k's house. The parents have abandoned, with hopes that a seventeen year old could be responsible, but let's be reasonable. She is in bed with a shorter than usual teenaged boy with pubescent chihuahua-like tendencies. Leg-humping tendencies. I am fully intoxicated and have already forced vomit by using a tooth brush given to me by another friend, who is M.I.A right now. His best friend is an angel, with no guidance, and no direction, and i fear that i'm the only one who notices this at this moment, in all of my teenaged intoxication. I see car lights, so I am going to stop now, but please don't forget, i am an old alcoholic philosopher in a teenaged body.