This woman was far from dumb

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."


"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them."

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone."

"Well behaved women rarely make history."

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."

"All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren't."

"If I'd observed all the rules I'd never have got anywhere."

"I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one."

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty cents."

"I restore myself when I'm alone."

"I used to think as I looked out on the Hollywood night — there must be thousands of girls sitting alone like me, dreaming of becoming a movie star. But I'm not going to worry about them. I'm dreaming the hardest."

"If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?"


"I've been on a calendar, but never on time."

"Dreaming about being an actress, is more exciting then being one."

"I learned to walk as a baby and I haven't had a lesson since."

"We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift."

"I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful."

"I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else."

"I'm for the individual as opposed to the corporation. The way it is the individual is the underdog, and with all the things a corporation has going for them the individual comes out banged on her head. The artist is nothing. It's really tragic. "

"I've often stood silent at a party for hours listening to my movie idols turn into dull and little people. "

- Marilyn Monroe

Trying To Broaden My Vocabulary?

You continue to constrict my mind until it becomes vacuous.
Through these experiences you lost yourself and became almost narcissistic.
What will be the sine qua non of this vendetta?
I can’t help if I feel that these situations are juvenile and parlous.
I wonder now more than ever if we will ever reach a consensus.
I fear that this impasse will be long and vindictive.
These writings carved into my brain may be effusive, but may affect me so greatly that we become a dichotomy, but I am not the only one to blame.
Your words are empty and become actions that end non sequitur.
You’ve become a zealot of this lifestyle, the exact foolishness that I find zany.
Of course I would fear that this liaison has been debilitated by the precarious nature of adolescence.
How can I not when you dissimulate every single inch of humanity in yourself from my utilitarian being?
For a utilitarian, the niggardly amount of sentiment I receive from you has become execrable.
Why are we choosing to feel lugubrious?
How can we knowingly continue in this disparity?
Why must we go to extreme means to become patricians, just for any fragment of fulsome appraisal?
I simply cannot let this routine immolate my ingenuity or impinge on my existence for any longer.
I will wait patiently for my vagary, and when It arrives, I can only hope that you have not fallen victim to your influences.

melancholy parties are becoming plentiful

I used to like the feeling of drinking when knowing everyone else would be sober. It was this young whimsical type of feeling to me. Now it's hard to find anyone at all who's not under the influence. Honestly, there's nothing worse than being the only sober one at a party, but I fear I'm becoming a teetotaler. A taste that once kept me going is now stopping me in my tracks. It is speaking to me like a concerned parent and mocking me, and turning me into a bitter lady. I wonder if this is the feeling of logic, but if it is, then I despise being logical. This is killing my creative energy and my enjoyment of social outings. I don't want this motherly persona. This is crushing my image, If I even had one to begin with.

Settling For Mediocrity

Will Be The Death Of Me

Time

You know that you're bored and have been waiting a very long time for things to get good when you stand alone reminding yourself where you are, at that moment, so your body doesn't just shut down and collapse. I find myself doing this sometimes. I begin to obsess and be utterly fascinated with the fact that time continues on, no matter what. Whether you are waiting for something to happen, trying to make it happen, saying yes, or no, or just being generally indecisive, time is this never ending, never slowing, never stopping energized entity. Sometimes you are happy with this, because as the years pass, you understand things in a whole new way. You realize that bangs were a bad idea, and that the dress you loved at the time was unflattering on you, and you realize how relationships work, and how people tick, and you get completely knocked down by this force that is so much stronger than you, and you break, then eventually you sew the pieces back together, and you get up, and you grow, and push back at the forces, and fight to find your self worth, you still wear the scars, and they are always a constant reminder of the past, but new people and opportunities come into your life and you don't notice the scars as much. You go through all of this and the clock is ticking all the while, the moments that were perfect slip by so fast that they are lost in former years, and you get old, and change, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When your time stops, it continues for billions of others. And you become a memory, a part of their past. The time gets away from me a lot, and if it isn't generous soon, then I might get lost in it.

Gay, Straight, or Searching....

Doesn't matter, nobody can deny the magic that is.....

Say What You Want To....

because I know you always will;

but fuck this,

I WANT TO BE A ROCKSTARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Kind Of My Life.

"And If You Gaze For Long Into An Abyss, The Abyss Gazes Also Into You"

-Mark Twain

This Movie....

Just took the words right out of my head...

"When you develop an infatuation for someone, you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you, it doesn't need to be a good reason, taking photographs of the night sky for example... now in the long run, that's just the kind of dumb irritating habit that would cause you to split up, but in the haze of infatuation, it's just what you've been searching for, for all these years."

I continue to wonder..

Is this feeling of utter sickness ever going to be relieved?

I'm sick in the literal sense, but when I'm not I'm just plain sick in the head.

I stayed home from school today, I didn't want to, but I couldn't stand it, I wouldn't have been able to walk around with books weighing me down, not comprehending the words coming out of peoples' mouths, and simply people looking at me, I didn't want people to see me today.

I was watching this movie about Bettie Page's life earlier.
Now, she is the pefect example of a smart woman, that had been so manipulated, that she became completely objectified.
But who cares, the world knows her name, and mine is insignificant.

I'm watching this Leonardo Dicaprio movie right now, The Beach.

I'm so beyond obsessed with him. His acting takes me to a completely different place. But, honestly, his acting is impeccable. Anything that comes out of his mouth and every expression on his face sounds and looks like a work of art to me. I am so jealous of his acting career. His supermodel girlfriend doesn't help much either.


I'm determined to know someone, not related to me, with a foreign accent.
I need a British accent in my life.

Can I Be You?

feelings?

I'm dying to know if you have any
If anyone does anymore, or if dulling their senses works enough to mask them totally
My senses can be fully scathed and I would still feel my heart ventricles getting tangled in each other and suffocating every second of everyday, because I can't make a moment pass where I'm distracted enough not to feel this
every inch of me knows
my organs are all gossiping about me
my liver is pissed because I keep pouring poison in it, and it wants nothing more than to be healthy
my lungs are screaming for pure air
my brain is tired of losing cells, it is constantly in mourning
my stomach keeps screaming at me and ceasing
and sends it message to my throat that must extract all the intake from the night
And my heart is the most destroyed, because it knows that I only do this because the courage I have only comes in liquid form in order for me to speak to you

at this point, my heart is already condensed enough for you to rip it out, roll it in a blunt, and smoke it....

maybe then you'll feel.

This Hurts

You didn't have me at hello, you had me before it
but every time i try to tell you how i feel you ignore it

EASTER

makes you remember how drunk you need to be, to remember how much you love your family. LOVE is something that I feel toward so many people whose minds I don't even cross, and I'm okay with that. Thank You Jesus for rising, so I can rise against.

Texts from Last Night

"HaHa dude im drugged as the next guy...if the next guy was marilyn manson....*** Phyllis Ct. Me and myself doing a comedy show alone for the palm of my hand....no parents


Hey tanny im. Loaded


im with your hubby and his wifeyssssss cmon courtney love!!!!!!!


hey drop dayddddd


Lol i did everatong..i did like a mexican drug deal and now noone will talk to ke haha



Barry im atvalexs drunk as the fuqqqqqq...chris is here...And im ready for my comedy set



Plz come im drunk as Cortney love as shegave birth to a new dimension of drunkeness...youll laugh if you come


Dude it worth it im like making myself lol and errrryone else is MIA

That sounds like perfection to a drug addict


haha chris as here but im so drunk that i cant stand up offf of the toilet and i dont know where anyone is"

12% alcohol, and a teenaged know it all

I am sitting here in the office of my best friend since pre-k's house. The parents have abandoned, with hopes that a seventeen year old could be responsible, but let's be reasonable. She is in bed with a shorter than usual teenaged boy with pubescent chihuahua-like tendencies. Leg-humping tendencies. I am fully intoxicated and have already forced vomit by using a tooth brush given to me by another friend, who is M.I.A right now. His best friend is an angel, with no guidance, and no direction, and i fear that i'm the only one who notices this at this moment, in all of my teenaged intoxication. I see car lights, so I am going to stop now, but please don't forget, i am an old alcoholic philosopher in a teenaged body.