that I will die single.
I see "in a relationship" statuses sky-rocketing
and the vomit rises up in my throat again.
I want to go places, to go places where I won't have to see the same faces again and again. I want to go somewhere where new people exist and like to talk.
I'm destined for eternal solitude and I hate it.
Single is not a status for me, it's a way of fucking life, and I'm okay being single. But, I'm not okay with not meeting a single person that gives a shit that they are living, or even less, that I am living. I'm tired. So I sleep, I sleep through my days, until everyone else is asleep. Then I rise up, and soak in the quiet surrounding me. When I get this shock of energy once in a while, and want to go out and see humans, there are seemingly no humans to see, certainly no humans to converse with. So I watch movie after movie after movie, and get sucked in to some actors as they become people who live actual lives, and I remember how I'm like behind this wall that I can't break through. I am in this place where I am not able to touch, or have contact, with anyone real.
The majority of my life is spent waiting, but when I fight, when I break down some bricks of this wall, punch until my knuckles bleed, I see this beam of light, I climb through the hole I created in this wall, and I find a spark of someone, or something new, of this feeling...but I only have a moment before this enormous force of nature lifts me, pushes me back through the hole, and re-builds the wall. I'm in the dark, once again.
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