The First Step...

is admitting you have a problem.

So, I've come to this realization that I am a social alcoholic.
I can't stand being in awkward situations with people I don't know without
being intoxicated. Not even with people I do know.
I will drink anything that has the capability of getting me drunk
even if it tastes like dead people...(I am refering to you, Red Wine)
Even Champaigne tasted perfecto, tonight.
So, i went to this engagement party for my sister's friend, that I wasn't even invited to, which is a warning sign of akward alone-ness in itself.
I sat, in my new red dress, alone.
this is how it always goes, so I wasn't shocked or anything.
First, I mingled with me, katy, alex, and kristen's (plastic) glasses of champagne.
Then, I got to know two cups, (with the happy couples faces etched on it), of beer.
After successfully not vomitting, I poured a glass of red wine, that I quickly became enemies with.
Finally, I gave up on drinks all together, and made myself known at the desert table.
Now all the people from the party have "gone out."
and I sit here watching independent-romantic dramas for the remainder of the summer in hopes of one day living a REAL, EVENTFUL life of my own.

Happy Campers

more infatuations with dead people

sickeningly talented person, with the best on screen presence.
love him.

I truly need young and talented, irreplacable people to stop dying of drug overdoses.

I've come to the realization

that I will die single.
I see "in a relationship" statuses sky-rocketing
and the vomit rises up in my throat again.
I want to go places, to go places where I won't have to see the same faces again and again. I want to go somewhere where new people exist and like to talk.
I'm destined for eternal solitude and I hate it.
Single is not a status for me, it's a way of fucking life, and I'm okay being single. But, I'm not okay with not meeting a single person that gives a shit that they are living, or even less, that I am living. I'm tired. So I sleep, I sleep through my days, until everyone else is asleep. Then I rise up, and soak in the quiet surrounding me. When I get this shock of energy once in a while, and want to go out and see humans, there are seemingly no humans to see, certainly no humans to converse with. So I watch movie after movie after movie, and get sucked in to some actors as they become people who live actual lives, and I remember how I'm like behind this wall that I can't break through. I am in this place where I am not able to touch, or have contact, with anyone real.
The majority of my life is spent waiting, but when I fight, when I break down some bricks of this wall, punch until my knuckles bleed, I see this beam of light, I climb through the hole I created in this wall, and I find a spark of someone, or something new, of this feeling...but I only have a moment before this enormous force of nature lifts me, pushes me back through the hole, and re-builds the wall. I'm in the dark, once again.

Tomorrow

I turn Seventeen years old.
Nothing will change, because
my life remains consistent in mediocrity.
BUT!!!!, I pledge to have A HELL OF A GOOD TIME.

FACEBOOK CHAT DISCUSSION.

ME:
don't say lol unless your really LOLing

i hate when people go to this extreme " LAWLZzzzzROFL LMFAOOOOO! LOLOL!" when all I said was I have to go eat dinner... people never mean what they type anymore

Walter:
lol

because i really lol'd

because of how true it is

ME:
well i'll allow you to lol without explaining yourself from now on


ME:
because lol is always better than typing someone .." OMG! where ya been! haven't seen you in ages! I MISS YOU!" only to recieve " this person is offline" directly after, thats when you know your life has gone down the shitter

WALTER:
OMG FUCK YEAH

i get that and feel that all the time!!!!!

it's happening now!



ME:
not,, that,, it,,, happens,,, to me often :?

WALTER:
it happens to me

ME:
i know I was being sarcastic

i pretty much get that EVERY time

WALTER:
hahaahha
ME:
i even expect it at this point so i just ex out of peoples things after i say something and try to forget i said it so i dont feel shamed

WALTER:
hahhahah you're making me lawl

ME:
when their little box sits there until the dot turns from green to grey


WALTER:i just discovered that people can go idol

and it's made a difference in my life

it really ha

s


ME:
and i say fine, you fucking asshole! you might as well not have started a conversation with me 2 years ago at that wedding reception then! and I look for my emergency playlist!


haahaha! i know! the idles always overpower the greens and im like I only talk to 5% of these people anyway! FML! then i start talking to people i barely know with questions like " how was your trip,, I saw your album, looked pretty fin"

FUN*

WALTER:
hahaha

you kill me

ME:
or wait, this is good, when your computer freezes and the chat thing goes crazy right when someone who would NEVER normally answer you ANSWERS you with a question instead of a short answer like they might actually give a fuck and they sign off right after you fix the problem, then they are never online again

ME:
... and then the person who you are talking to about how pathetic your facebook chat experiences are with doesnt respond

Walter:
okay it says you've been typing for like an hour

i'm dissapointed

3:45am ME:
well, thats only because I've been copying and pasting our coversation to my blog for like an hour :)

If I Could....

share half of the joy that Kent maintains every second.... I'd be set.