It's saturday night. It's 1:04 am and i am watching some christina ricci movie. It's called " The opposite of sex." The description said, "A prude helps a homosexual friend pursue his half sister, who stole his money and his lover." That was all the convincing I needed to turn it on the channel. I'm in this ridiculous rut. I'm noticing a lot how people use other people. They use them to make themselves feel better. They use them to fulfill their needs, not even caring in the least bit how they feel, or even recognizing that they have feelings at all. I don't understand this. Humanity is so corrupt. I came to this realization that when you are in that high point in your life when you love where you are at and you feel like no one can touch you, you use people more because you can't feel their pain. But, when that point comes to an end, and you are the one being used, that pain they felt at the time consumes you and becomes your pain. I am not the type to compete, simply because I know I won't win. It is the worst; turning into that pathetic girl that you used to feel sorry for. That character you see in movies and either laugh at or pity. It is so disappointing when you notice how much more unhappy you are when you don't have medicine triggering endorphins in your brain. It's sickening when you come to the point where you are wondering if you ARE that person that other people tell their friends they wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole. Then, I feel sickened when I think about the people I have said that about. They are PEOPLE! They have skin and bones and blood and veins and a brain and a heart and all the emotions that come along with that. You make yourself feel better when you think, it's okay, there is someone out there who would like them. As if they deserve worse. As if some people are worse than others in your little rating system. It is sick that people rate people, even if they don't notice they are doing it. I am incabable of ever saying how I feel, out loud, in front of other people. I know for a fact that I will be judged. People will take what they want from every little detail. They will take it and twist it and not know what to make of it, so they will consult with other people to help them make something out of it. This is how rumors get started, and friendships get broken. If everyone could just say exactly how they truly felt, out loud, and nobody judged it, and just took it for what it was, then we could be a more thriving community. Living has become hard. Relationships are hard. My stomach is sick because it is NOT fair. nobody is actually "EQUAL." " she's retarded" " He is hideous" "She has greasy hair" "her dad died" "that one with bad acne" "is she pregnant?" "she's a slut" "he's so cute" "her mom has cancer" "Her toe is disgusting" "she is so fat" "He is so skinny" "she is beautiful" "she's a bitch" "he's ugly" "the one in the wheel chair" "he's sketchy" "she stinks" "she gave him head" "she got in a car accident" "she's a dyke" " she is so stupid!" "he's an overachiever"..........STOP! how about "oh, that human", ya know that one with the flaws and the good qualities too. We are all human, we all have flaws, some are just more obvious than others, but stop pointing it out, and stop being so quick to judge, because EVERYONE is a critic, and EVERYONE is a hypocrite. Famous, rich, poor, nobody. WHAT IS FAIR? i want to see the good again, but i can't! This rut is shitty. These words that I say, and others say, lag onto my heart and are suffocating it forcefully at the moment. whatever, i look at someone and see absolute beauty, and i look in the mirror and I notice everything wrong and it is consuming me and making me sick.
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