Metaphorically Speaking

I keep telling myself that everyone's human; we are all in the same boat. But, your boat looks more like a Yacht, and all that's left of mine is wreckage and debris

you and all your you-ness

Someone has to remind me not to take vyvanse so late on a school night.
When I look at you, the levee keeping my imagination from running amok, cracks and shatters.
When I look at you, I see beauty that I never thought existed in the world.
I know all of your flaws and everything holding you back in the world, but when I look at you, none of that matters.
When I look at you, I realize how badly I want you to look at me, without me knowing you are looking.
When I look at you, I am scared to continue, but so afraid that if i stop, I'll forget one little detail I studied on your face.
When I look at you, time stops, the drunken naive kids around me are mute and blurred, and even though you are one of them, you are a crystal clear masterpiece.
When I look at you, I wish you would make your way over here, but you never seem to.
When I look at you, I feel my heart swell, my harmones race, my hands shake, my lips part, and my brain paralyze.
When I look at you, I remember all the things i'm not, and all the things I never could be in order to get your attention.
When I look at you, looking at her, I remember I am nothing, nothing but a flack.

Saturday Night Pity Party and Psycho babble

It's saturday night. It's 1:04 am and i am watching some christina ricci movie. It's called " The opposite of sex." The description said, "A prude helps a homosexual friend pursue his half sister, who stole his money and his lover." That was all the convincing I needed to turn it on the channel. I'm in this ridiculous rut. I'm noticing a lot how people use other people. They use them to make themselves feel better. They use them to fulfill their needs, not even caring in the least bit how they feel, or even recognizing that they have feelings at all. I don't understand this. Humanity is so corrupt. I came to this realization that when you are in that high point in your life when you love where you are at and you feel like no one can touch you, you use people more because you can't feel their pain. But, when that point comes to an end, and you are the one being used, that pain they felt at the time consumes you and becomes your pain. I am not the type to compete, simply because I know I won't win. It is the worst; turning into that pathetic girl that you used to feel sorry for. That character you see in movies and either laugh at or pity. It is so disappointing when you notice how much more unhappy you are when you don't have medicine triggering endorphins in your brain. It's sickening when you come to the point where you are wondering if you ARE that person that other people tell their friends they wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole. Then, I feel sickened when I think about the people I have said that about. They are PEOPLE! They have skin and bones and blood and veins and a brain and a heart and all the emotions that come along with that. You make yourself feel better when you think, it's okay, there is someone out there who would like them. As if they deserve worse. As if some people are worse than others in your little rating system. It is sick that people rate people, even if they don't notice they are doing it. I am incabable of ever saying how I feel, out loud, in front of other people. I know for a fact that I will be judged. People will take what they want from every little detail. They will take it and twist it and not know what to make of it, so they will consult with other people to help them make something out of it. This is how rumors get started, and friendships get broken. If everyone could just say exactly how they truly felt, out loud, and nobody judged it, and just took it for what it was, then we could be a more thriving community. Living has become hard. Relationships are hard. My stomach is sick because it is NOT fair. nobody is actually "EQUAL." " she's retarded" " He is hideous" "She has greasy hair" "her dad died" "that one with bad acne" "is she pregnant?" "she's a slut" "he's so cute" "her mom has cancer" "Her toe is disgusting" "she is so fat" "He is so skinny" "she is beautiful" "she's a bitch" "he's ugly" "the one in the wheel chair" "he's sketchy" "she stinks" "she gave him head" "she got in a car accident" "she's a dyke" " she is so stupid!" "he's an overachiever"..........STOP! how about "oh, that human", ya know that one with the flaws and the good qualities too. We are all human, we all have flaws, some are just more obvious than others, but stop pointing it out, and stop being so quick to judge, because EVERYONE is a critic, and EVERYONE is a hypocrite. Famous, rich, poor, nobody. WHAT IS FAIR? i want to see the good again, but i can't! This rut is shitty. These words that I say, and others say, lag onto my heart and are suffocating it forcefully at the moment. whatever, i look at someone and see absolute beauty, and i look in the mirror and I notice everything wrong and it is consuming me and making me sick.

It's 3 am, I must be lonely

This has gotten complicated.
This has turned into a puzzle, i can't solve.
Confusion consumes me.
I hate not being able to sense things anymore.
I hate not being able to read people anymore.
I continue to read, but can't comprehend you.

A 2007 Philosophy reminded me WHY i write

Life is the most confusing all things, at times we fight for it, other times we give up on it, It can last longer than expected, or can be ended in a second of complete spontaneity. The people who you love hurt you or make you feel on top of the world inconsistantly. Some people can walk into your life for a day, and change everything, your whole perspective. Sometimes, we do the right thing, knowing the worst is to come, because we are good people. Sometimes we make the wrong decision for one second of genuine happiness even though we know it will raise hell. The good decisions make us wise, and the bad make us learn. i don't think anyone fully understands the concept of it, or why bad things happen to good people, i sure as hell don't. Life is still a gift, far from perfect, yet the few moments that reach as close to perfection as possible and happen when you least expect it are what we live for, at least what i live for.

downward spiral

I've been good for the past year. I have honestly been okay. But,
Now, everything is wrecked. I don't know when or how it happened.
I have not felt this useless since I was a naive little freshmen and a stupid sophomore.
My timeline of good ranged from Junior year, august-november.
I actually had a hint of self worth, then.
Now I lay in my bed, tears pouring from the outer corners of my eyes, streaming down my temples into my ears.
I honestly, could not name one good quality about myself anymore.

When things are even looking up in the least bit....

Some Stupid Self Created Thing Comes And Crushes It All!

HAPPINESS IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.

creepy inclination

You know that feeling you have, when you're drunk.
You see an absolutely beautiful person, and stare at them, until they notice.
And once they notice, they are massively creeped out.
But you don't even care because you feel as if you are out of your body, and nothing can touch you.

STRESS FEST '10

exam week is upon me.
I get out my number 2 pencil, and lodge it into my brain.
i think, i drag every little essence of the fragments of lessons i've learned for the past nine weeks out of my head and ship it to my right hand which transfers it to paper. I color in small bubbles in lead. I leave pieces of sawed off eraser sprawled across my desk. I get out of there as fast as I possibly can, just to do the same thing again the next day. There is no break in the trauma-rama after this week. Life doesn't give you breaks, especially when you need it the most.