Feels Familiar, Feels like SUMMER

Waking up in the PM,
Going to sleep in the AM,
Watching all the seasons of SKINS,
and unmeasurable amounts of YouTube videos,
smearing spf 30 on my pale skin,
rain falling, and thunder rumbling, when
I wanted to basque in the sunlight,
Nothing to do when I look beautiful,
and a suddenly and unusually event-filled schedule
when I look like shit,
Pounds of lipstick over chapped lips,
and tons of makeup over scarred, sunburnt skin,
2 year old bikinis, and bright color schemes, hotflashes
under a 20 lb. laptop, and night sweats
an absentee mother,a green swimming pool,
empty fridge, and plenty of pills.....
AHHHHHH YES, feels like summer

Floating

My mind is constantly and frantically contemplating, thinking, dwelling, and searching for new and improved things to dwell on, and new and improved ways to contemplate and think about those things.

I always feel like I am just floating around in life.
I'm never in a stable setting, and I can't control time.
I could get out of bed right now, at 5:00 am, and walk out of my front door into the rain and darkness, walk until I find myself in a new setting where I can actually do something that can make others and myself feel actual emotion toward, and happiness about, and the moment in which I did this would be captured and remembered.
But, this is reality. My brain and insticts tell me that If I walk out of that door I know that I could potentially be putting myself in harms way, and getting myself into situations that I am inequipt to handle. And, no matter how far I walk, I will be tired and run out of energy before ever stepping foot out of this town. And, this would actually require me exerting energy, which my laziness would never allow.
So in my actuality, I will stay in this bed, watch youtube until 6:30 am, while looking at pictures of Marlon Brando in some other tab, and quoting his movies on my facebook statuses in the last tab. I will fall asleep at 7:00 am, and sleep until 6:00pm the next day, or rather evening. I will wake up and repeat the lazy summer cycle, until some daring friend of mine gets worried after weeks of unanswered phonecalls, and decides to call my house phone. At this time my parent will pick up the phone, explain that I'm in the bathroom, or sleeping, and get the message to me that someone called 3 hours later. At this time, I will pick up the house phone, call this friend and explai to them that my phone has been dead and I've been too lazy to stick a cord in it that will nurse it back to health. This friend may invite me to do SOMETHING (ANYTHING)(MOVEMENT!) and I will either make up an excuse because I'm in no state to be seen by human eyes, or I will accept.

I am afraid of the unknown, and an utter mess altogether.

But, when I walk into my backyard, descend into the swimming pool, take a deep breath, allow my lungs to inflate with air, and I float half above and half below the water.........

worries fade, screaming stops, all I hear is calm, and all I see is beauty.
In this moment I appreciate LIFE. I am so dazed by the exquisiteness of the trees and sky above me, that I forget how hard it is to go through the motions of humanity, and remember how easy it is to smile and be completely tranquil and consumed with joy. When you feel and see how gorgeous the earth can be in this moment, you see being here in human form a gift, rather than a burden.

and this... makes me want to get up, and do SOMETHING!

Marlon Brando

I Have no words.
let me get myself together...okay.
I am irevoccably captivated by and in love with this man.
I wish he didn't know that he could get any woman he wanted, and dispose of them as he pleased.
I wish he wouldn't have let himself go insane and resort to eating his feelings.I wish he wouldn't have told interviewers that the profession that made him who others know him as today(and that he redefined) is something he hates, and was just means of making an exceptional amount of money.
I wish he didn't die before he figured himself out.
But, most importantly I wish to elope with him the next life.

Reasons why I am single:

GLEEk

SUMMER

Ready or not, summer is here.
This 2.5 month break in the academic action;
Tensions are high, Temperatures are higher;
Time to watch relationships disassemble due to lack of communication and summer scandals among cliques; and see who's sitting at whose lunch tables on the first day of senior year.

Makes You THINK.

Highly Recommended.

Just think if people didn't have weapons, and actually had to utilize their talking and listening skills to find solutions to their problems.

SICK SHIT

What's New Pussy Cat?

I don't know if I can handle these A.D.D. drifting trips anymore. I just caught myself staring off into space, on the third verse of What's New Pussy Cat? Junior Year is nearing a much needed, and well deserved end. This year was academic hell for me. "I simply can't focus on anything." Really, TV,? I look up for one second and you are playing a graphic animal cruelty commercial, thanks for that. I'm no advocate of violence, but I wouldn't mind torturing those heartless, animal killing hicks. First, You can watch as I shove everyone you love in a carbon monoxide box to be slowly killed. Then, you can be shoved in a cage for a few months, breathless, with all of your coon-ass friends to bask in your own feces. Then, I'll beatcha, skinya, and into the monoxide gas chamber you go. See, this is why I hate those random animal cruelty commercials that pop up on your screen as your eyes drift, strategically at the point of utter sadness in the eyes on a mentally and physically scarred dog. Drifting... It's my new thing, or my old thing that just so happens to be occuring frequently in the passing weeks. I keep wondering why they inexplicably stopped writing for the character of Mr. Turner in Boy Meets World, after he got in a motorcycle accident. I keep wondering where Eric from the show has been. I always wonder about actors that I haven't seen in a long while. I wonder if they have decided to live a more normal, boring lifestyle, or if they are struggling to find roles, or if they fell off the straight and narrow path. What's sick is that I feel more toward man-made characters than about many of the real people who surround me everyday. I live in a fantasy world, ignorance toward reality is my mentality. I try to get organized, but it all blows up in my face once my meds wear off. I am sixteen (and some change), and I'm already an old maid. I'm frightened. I have an ultimate fear of the unknown. The one thing I'm certain of is that I WILL NOT, I CANNOT allow myself to wilt away and die before I have a star with my name on it on the hollywood walk of fame. If 20 years after my death, I remain unwritten, unread, and out of the pages of your sons and daughters history books, I will continue on as the most inadequate, self-loathing ghost to ever haunt this earth, and disappear in the in-between.

They See Me Draggin

I was watching RuPaul's Drag Race on LOGO on a saturday night with my sister. I came to this realization that I have a semi-Drag Queen mentality. I feel inadequate without my makeup. Whenever I am fully decked out in shiny garb and wearing 6 pounds of makeup, I want to put on a show. I feel like I was born with flaws that need to be hidden. I am the most insecure person, but when I am not alone in my head, and I feel pretty with my lip stick drawn on, I have my Diva moments. When I have on my 6 inch heels, I want to strut up to a stage, dance, and lip synch to Madonna, and make average people feel uncomfortable. Halle-LU!