Hello World

I forget to take my medicine a lot now. The weird thing is that I don't feel sick, I don't feel overly sad or mad. As long as I am surrounded by positive people laughing and acting as themselves I can contain happiness. I feel okay, though my emotions will always be a rollercoaster. I love life so very much and hate it at the same time. A burden, but a gift. We are put here to have emotions ranging from ecstatic happiness to unbearable pain and rage. God, or whoever you believe is this "higher power", watches us like little figures in a snow globe. He sees what every eyeball sees from a validictorian saying her speech with a sense of unbreakable pride, to a girl at a party being date raped, to a child in Africa starving to death while flies fly around his head, to the family members of people who died in an earthquake in Haiti, to a brilliant filmaker winning his first oscar, to a girl prepping for plastic surgery, to a cancer patient prepping for a life-altering surgery, to the parents or family members who care for their ill loves, AND SO ON AND SO ON AND SO ON. Emotions run so much deeper than mad, sad, happy, tired. Every little aspect of this life AMAZES me. People can look at the world in the simplest or most complex of terms and it's all correct. Life is so much more than right, wrong, evil, good, highschool, sex, drugs, rock and roll, missions, stalking, avoiding, loving, hating. The language that we use is so complex in itself that you find yourself amazed when someone wastes it all on fuck, or man, or some computer popular acronym. It's funny how putting random letters together can make some phrase that some find shocking, or feel genuine emotion toward. Life is so complex, but breathing is so easy that we don't even notice it, and that's what keeps us living. We must learn to appreciate, to realize that EVERYONE is human, EVERYONE has emotions, EVERYONE, at some point, is confused and searching for their purpose. But, our goal is to keep living. To make something of ourselves. To Love. To let go of the past, accept it, and understand that it makes us who we'll be in the future. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is so close, and people on this Earth are dying as I type, and just as many people are being born. LEARN TO APPRECIATE. Learn to love yourself and also respect and love others. We're so alike, and so different, and that is what makes all this complexity beautiful, and WORTH LIVING.

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Dead Girl Walking

Christmas always does the opposite of what it's supposed to. I could cry, but my tear ducts quit. I am so emotionless. My parents have stopped speaking since an argument on Christmas morning. I sleep through every day. I awoke today at 5 pm. My Father was gone. My mother was in hiding in her "studio." My mom even mentioned something to my sister about getting her own apartment. I don't know whether to laugh or be sad. I don't feel anything anymore. I have Nobody, but I continue watching everyone around me live. I am so lost in this movie that is Life. I'm not living my own, just watching others. Watching all these human emotions has been tiring, and just drains me to nothing. I've been broken for a long time. I hear a car door. Maybe this is my father returning? I'm scared to see the expression on his face. No. I am wrong. It's my mother. I don't know where she went, but she's back, attempting to hide her emotions. I am living my life on "Caring is Creepy" by the Shins on repeat. It's my anthem now. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I see this empty human with dark circles around her eyes and scars everywhere. The door sounds again. My father is home. He walks in his room without a word besides yelling "no" at the dogs and their incessant barking. I watch these people on TV. These are people that other people follow, and need, and love. These people have money and fame and fans and relationships. I wonder what it's like, all the time, i hope for a piece of it, all the time. Innocent people on death row die all the time, when murderers roam free. Fairness isn't reality. I'm forgetting what I love about living, and people, and the world around me. I need relief, I need work, I need help. I need to make a name for myself while I'm still young. It's hard to know that not many people will care when you die. Not enough lives will change, and I need to know they will. I sound like a squawking lunitic. I am. I want to do something that will change the minds of others, and feast off of it for years.

The Apartment?

We're Driving to the Place, It seems more like a race, to consume all of the alcohol, did my butt just make a phone call? My morals went down the drain as soon as the Apartment's image entered my brain. We're breaking so many laws right now, When I wake up in the morning I won't remember how. Boy this is cliche', in the next room's where they lay , on a twin sized bed, chivalry is dead. Peer pressure can really clutch, pass me another beer so I won't feel it as much. I met a few new "friends", we keep in touch until the party ends. In my head i'm a little girl, but my eyes see a world, that a child can't understand, this is not going as planned. Woke up with a headache after last night, I can't tell them, because i don't want to fight. There are empty spaces in my head where my braincells used to live, but now they're dead, Down My throat, then in my blood through my nose and in my lungs. This foil covered crack house, the stains that cover this blouse, shut the fuck up, quiet as a mouse.

fudge

My medicine keeps me happy, gives me false hopes, and makes me feel worth something. When I forget to take it I feel insane. I am pissed off at the world and crying for no solid reason. But, when I don't have pills to fade reasons, I have a million. Everyone around me fucks like bunnies. They live adult lives. I'm still a child. I think I was born with a mild case of downssyndrome. Can I just do something with my life to make myself and family proud. I H8 this, breaking the keyboard. fudggggeeeeeeeeeeeeee, its the holidays, why to i feel like a lone shit in the backyard?

I can't fight this feeling anymore

Today, I went to Colonial Bowling Lanes, for service hours. The disabled peeps hang there. I met some fabulous people whom I LOVE! This man, Jesse, was an amazing bowler and reminded me so much of sean penn in i am sam. He gave me a high five as soon as I walked in the door. Upon arrival, a man came up to me and showed me his mini cop car model, amazed that the doors opened. I hate the fact that I didn't learn many of there names, but they couldn't pronounce mine anyway. I hung out with this man half the time who informed me that his 50 year old birthday was coming soon. He looked as any other man, he smiled all the time, and had a bit of tourettes, he really knew how to keep the conversation flowing though. The rest of the time I spent with another man who was watching an action movie on his game boy. He was quick to show me all of his gadgets in cases attatched to his hips. He had a camera in one, another gameboy in the other, and headphones/games in the last. He hugged me when I left. On an even sadder note, I saw this horrible video the other day of chinese people practically torturing this fish gasping for air. I haven't cried that much in a long time. I hate to be prejudice but I truly think Chinese people want to kill Americans, not all of them, but a lot of them. I hate this feeling eating at me all the time. It's getting really hard to fight it, but I keep on truckin' as the lone wolf. My solitude helps me become more independent, and I appreciate it, but it gets lonely.

attention, attention, may i have all your eyes &ears

I've been lacking on my writing lately. I crave attention so badly, it's sickening. PEOPLE! PEOPLE! These people around me drive me insane, yet i need them to stay sane. The way these people look with their eyes and mouths, The way these people laugh with their teeth and larynx, The things these people do to impress other people, The things these people do to be noticed, to hurt, to keep, to please, to shock... The way peoples muscles are sculpted just perfectly, or the comforting humanity of that layer of fatty tissue over the abdominal muscles that have gone unnoticed. People rule this earth. Animals are beautiful, and ugly, and feel just as we do, but they are put here for the continuation of the food chain. The Humans are at the top. The humans have brains which all work differently. Some brains have deficiencies from problems that go wrong in the process of development. Some Brains are absorbent and filled with knowledge and wisdom. These previously mentioned brains, make the normal brains feel melancholy, leading to my next topic. Some brains feel so melancholy, they need drugs to make them function in a socially acceptable manner. Some brains that once had abosorption, lose it within a quick instant. Some brains can't remember their own sons and daughters and mothers. Some brains absorb too much, or not enough, causing them to have inbalance. These people, with their eyes, and mouths, and organs, and bones, and blood, and skin are so unbelievably complicated. We love them. We hate them. We envy them. We never meet many of them. We seem to be surrounded by the same ones a lot. We meet new ones, sometimes. We meet the one, someday, or never. This life we live is so hard, that it's almost cruel when people say something is "easy." Every person is different. Every brain, every heart, every liver, every kidney, every skin. The differences in all of us people is what continues to interest us. It's ashame how often the word bored is used. This slump of boredem is here, to make the AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ORGASMIC moments deserve caps lock. I'm craving my AMAZING moments so badly right now. I need the people to help me to get there...happily. I need my brain to allow me to succeed. I need my weaknesses to help others with weaknesses feel stronger, feel less alone. I need other people's weaknesses to make me feel better, too. Every person is made to have the same worth, so more people should allow their brains to open, and their guards to descend. We must accept these people, for whatever reason we use them for now will one day divide and separate into swift winds, and we will need them for reasons we are yet to know.