Dead Girl Walking

Christmas always does the opposite of what it's supposed to. I could cry, but my tear ducts quit. I am so emotionless. My parents have stopped speaking since an argument on Christmas morning. I sleep through every day. I awoke today at 5 pm. My Father was gone. My mother was in hiding in her "studio." My mom even mentioned something to my sister about getting her own apartment. I don't know whether to laugh or be sad. I don't feel anything anymore. I have Nobody, but I continue watching everyone around me live. I am so lost in this movie that is Life. I'm not living my own, just watching others. Watching all these human emotions has been tiring, and just drains me to nothing. I've been broken for a long time. I hear a car door. Maybe this is my father returning? I'm scared to see the expression on his face. No. I am wrong. It's my mother. I don't know where she went, but she's back, attempting to hide her emotions. I am living my life on "Caring is Creepy" by the Shins on repeat. It's my anthem now. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I see this empty human with dark circles around her eyes and scars everywhere. The door sounds again. My father is home. He walks in his room without a word besides yelling "no" at the dogs and their incessant barking. I watch these people on TV. These are people that other people follow, and need, and love. These people have money and fame and fans and relationships. I wonder what it's like, all the time, i hope for a piece of it, all the time. Innocent people on death row die all the time, when murderers roam free. Fairness isn't reality. I'm forgetting what I love about living, and people, and the world around me. I need relief, I need work, I need help. I need to make a name for myself while I'm still young. It's hard to know that not many people will care when you die. Not enough lives will change, and I need to know they will. I sound like a squawking lunitic. I am. I want to do something that will change the minds of others, and feast off of it for years.

The Apartment?

We're Driving to the Place, It seems more like a race, to consume all of the alcohol, did my butt just make a phone call? My morals went down the drain as soon as the Apartment's image entered my brain. We're breaking so many laws right now, When I wake up in the morning I won't remember how. Boy this is cliche', in the next room's where they lay , on a twin sized bed, chivalry is dead. Peer pressure can really clutch, pass me another beer so I won't feel it as much. I met a few new "friends", we keep in touch until the party ends. In my head i'm a little girl, but my eyes see a world, that a child can't understand, this is not going as planned. Woke up with a headache after last night, I can't tell them, because i don't want to fight. There are empty spaces in my head where my braincells used to live, but now they're dead, Down My throat, then in my blood through my nose and in my lungs. This foil covered crack house, the stains that cover this blouse, shut the fuck up, quiet as a mouse.

fudge

My medicine keeps me happy, gives me false hopes, and makes me feel worth something. When I forget to take it I feel insane. I am pissed off at the world and crying for no solid reason. But, when I don't have pills to fade reasons, I have a million. Everyone around me fucks like bunnies. They live adult lives. I'm still a child. I think I was born with a mild case of downssyndrome. Can I just do something with my life to make myself and family proud. I H8 this, breaking the keyboard. fudggggeeeeeeeeeeeeee, its the holidays, why to i feel like a lone shit in the backyard?